part 8 (seeing jesus through a porn star )

this post is part of a series which started here.

i've been sitting on my sofa, starting this post over and over. i stare at the words, and then i select all, and delete.
i write, in between the pauses, and through my blurry vision, through the deep sobbing.
it's been hard.
writing about 'marie' has not been easy. it's been deeply emotional. i was afraid of writing this story.
but instead through writing this story i have expierenced an immense peace while writing. and in the end understood more about jesus, than i ever had before.

and at the time i had desperately wanted the story to end, in this way:

"and then marie prayed the sinners prayer, and she stopped every thing she was doing, and became a missionary who now helps young girls."

that is what i wanted.

but instead, perhaps the beauty of god is not only found in the neatly packaged salvation stories. perhaps the beauty of god, is instead found in the depth and ugliness of our lives.
god is found in the sadness, the messy parts, the depression the anger, and the hurt.

and in the mess that was marie's life....
seeing jesus in her was not hard.
she was loving, caring, and honest.
she would have done anything for me.
and the truth is that before i was a christian i would have done anything for her.

i became saved, i started to go to church
i should have been the one that was like christ.
no longer was i close to her, i backed away from her instead,
no longer did i cry with her, i prayed for her salvation instead,
no longer did i spend hours talking to her, i talked about her to my bible study instead.
no longer did i write long thought out e-mails to her, i put her on prayer chain instead.
no longer did i trust her with things about my life, i deemed her of the world instead and unworthy of knowing my deepest thoughts because how could a crack addict understand my love of god?

i was more christ like when i was not going to church,
and when i wasn't a christian.
i didn't judge people then,
i didn't categorize everyone else as a sinner, and then pray for them, while slowly backing away.
when we were in college, i saw marie as my equal, and as my friend i didn't see any difference between her and i. and when i started the church thing i changed.
i could not be in the world, that's what they told me over and over.

she was going to drag me into the world, she was going to tempt me. that's what the church told me, and that's what i believed.
but in all my years of college, in all my years of being in a close friendship with her, i never became part of the world the church feared.
i was a part of her world, wrapped in love, acceptance, and loyalty.

"you can love her, but you can't be in her life" that's what the pastors said, that's what the people in the bible studies said.

during college i loved marie, unconditionally, i loved her because she was a beautiful person, who was my friend.
after i became a member of the salvation club, i loved the sinner, but hated the sin, and that just meant that i was not a good friend to her.
that simply meant, i backed away, and i became less and less christ like, the more and more i prayed, went to church, read the bible, and lead a bible study.
the less christ like i became.

and it was intoxicating, the attention, the questions of what i was telling her, how i was going to witness, and what a great story it would make. it was my drug, and i got my high every sunday.
i wanted to save her, i wanted the story, i wanted that notch in my belt.
i was a horrible friend to her.

when she died, i was so angry, because god had not given me the chance to really witness, that's the way i thought god worked.
and after her death, the church told me:
"all you had to do was plant the seeds"
"she knew the truth because of you"
"you showed her god's love"

but i never did. i never loved her the way christ would have, i never simply listened and loved her, with out hoping to get something from her.
telling her about god, and the love of god was not because of how much i loved marie, it was not because i desperately wanted her to experience the presence of god.
i wanted her salvation, for my peace,
i wanted it for me.

in the end, this girl,
the porn star,
the crack addict
the alcoholic
the h.i.v. patient
the slut
the druggie
the one who sold herself
the one that the church told me to stay away from...

this porn star... showed me the beauty and presence of god, more than i had ever known. as i stood playing on holy ground. i was transformed.
i was playing for marie in that moment, because i loved her.
in that moment, she was god's child.
she was god's to love, to cherish, and to behold.
and as i stood i knew that she was always god's child.
she was being watched over, she was loved and cared for,and treasured,
she was the sparrow
she was the woman at the well
she was the leper
she was the blind person
she was the cripple
she was the person beaten and left to die on a road from jerusalem to jericho.
she was the woman who was nearly stoned

and i was the pharisee.

i begged god in those moments, to become less like the church, less like the christian i thought i should be, and more like christ.

lord,
for all the times that i have turned my face
for all of the times that i have judged
for all of the times that i cast the first stone
have mercy on me
lord,
for all of the times i have looked down upon another
for all the times i have not stopped to help
for all of the times i stayed away from the world
have mercy on me.
lord,
for all of the times i wanted to be a better christian
for all the times i wanted the recognition
for all of the times i needed the validation of my faith
have mercy on me.
lord,
for all i have done against those you love,
for all i have done against the least of these
for all i have done against those who are most like you,
have mercy on me.

amen.