porn star part 7 (and i know he watches over me)

this post is part off a series which started here

"hello?"
"is natal - i -a there? " a woman spoke, she sounded rushed, and because she pronounced my name wrong, i knew that i did not know her.
"this is natala" i tried to emphasize how my name was said.

"ok, well this is marie's mother." she said it as if she were irritated with me.
"oh, is marie ok?" all of a sudden my heart started to pound, i knew that the answer was not going to be one i wanted to hear.

"look, marie overdosed on god knows what, and she died last night." she said it so cold, and with out any emotion.
i didn't know what to say, i was stuck in this parallel universe for what felt like an eternity, i started to cry.

"hello? you there?" her mom sounded so callus, and so angry, and all of a sudden marie's life became that much sadder.

"yes, i'm sorry, i'm really sorry about marie" i cried, trying to get my words out.
"well, whatever, look she's got a bunch of crap here, do you want me to send it to you or something? you are the only person i had a name or number for, so if you can think of anyone else who would want to know about her, you can pass it along."

i had nothing. i stood there in silence, tears running down my face.
god was nowhere for me in that moment.

"yes, please send anything, please, i'll pay for any of the postage, and your time.
will there be a funeral?"

"for what? i'm not making a big deal over it." she said it like a pet goldfish had died.
and with that the conversation ended.

i fell to the ground and buried my face in a pillow, screaming as loud as i could. i was so angry at god.
i yelled to god,

"Why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where the f*** are you? What the hell are you doing?! You can't do this! You can't do this! You can't do this!" I screamed and pounded my fists.
My faith was slipping away in that moment, and there was nothing that god could do about it.
I had felt abandoned by god before, and I thought that this time, this time would be god's chance to redeem all that I doubted before.
This time god would intervene, this time there would be a miracle, this time, I would sense the presence of god.
But instead...
I felt empty
alone
betrayed
terrified
rejected
angry
devastated
confused
hate
I felt as though in this test of my faith I had once again failed.

About a week later, I received a package in the mail. it was a large box, and I knew it was the box of Marie’s belongings.

I went to my bedroom and placed it on my bed and stared at it for hours. I did not want to open that box, opening it meant she was really gone, opening it meant that I had failed as a friend, opening it meant that god didn't come through, opening it meant, that it was over.

I decided that I would go on a walk into the woods, in a forest that was far from any civilization, and bury her belongings.
I took the box, my violin, my bible, and a small garden shovel.

I walked deep into the woods, and found a beautiful piece of ground, surrounded by large trees, right next to a tree that had fallen many years ago. I knelt down, and began to open the box.

Inside, I found some of Marie’s belongings:
Dracula - the movie
a couple of nursing books
the allegory of a cave
a few sex books
a college t shirt
2 porn videos (one that she was in)
random photo's of her, with friends ( a few with me)
some of the bathroom photo's
5 shot glasses
a stuffed animal that I had given her
a hotel bible, with most of the pages torn out.
and the card I gave to her, when I was introducing myself as her r.a. .

I neatly placed all of the things in front of me, and started to weep.
Everything with in me became sad, and angry.
In that moment, I had nothing to say to god. I looked at my bible sitting beside me, and thought about burying it with the rest of the stuff.

I still had my faith, but it was not the way I wanted it, it wasn't happy, it wasn't encouraging, and it wasn't like they told me it should be at church.
It was messy, it was sad, it was angry,
it was real.

I stood up, and picked up my violin from the case. I wanted to say goodbye to Marie, I wanted to love her in that moment, and this was the only way I knew how.

I picked up my violin and started to play.
As I often did, I had no song in mind when I began to play my violin. I simply started to play, but my fingers seemed to guide me.
And an immense peace came over me.
I started to play.. as streams of salty tears poured down my face.
Marie had heard me play my violin many times, in recitals, and I knew, that somehow she knew I was playing for her in that moment.

And in that very moment god spoke clearly to me
in all of the times I thought my faith was slipping
in all of the times I thought that god was not listening to me
the times in which I was angry at god for not showing up
the times when I begged for a miracle
an answer, a sign
in all of the times that I thought god had left me...
god had not left me at all.

As I stood playing among the beauty of the earth that god had created my violin sang a song....
a song that I had not heard since I was a child,
a song that I thought I had forgotten,
a song that I never had played before,
a song that never resonated with me before.
I never thought twice about the words to the song until that moment,
and I played that fall afternoon.....


Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

And I knew that Jesus was in that moment, I knew that this was the presence of god.

continue reading, part 8