lessons in beauty...

Beauty, of whatever kind, invariably excites the human soul to tears.

- Edgar Allan Poe

i used to hate myself.
i used to look in the mirror and beg god to change me.
to make me beautiful.
i used to think i was ugly,
not worthy of anything
because i was not beautiful.
i met marie.
she was beautiful
i used to beg god that i could look like her
that i could be as pretty as she was
i got to know her,
no longer did i want to be beautiful like her.
marie would stare in the mirror for hours.
she would pinch her skin, saying how fat she was.
she would shop for the perfect thing to wear.
she would pay attention to ever strand of hair.
and she was, in her yes never beautiful.
she hated herself.
and i never understood.
at the time, i weighed nearly 400 pounds.
i was the one who society deemed unattractive.
i was the one who got laughed at
made fun of
discriminated against.
i was the one who could not fit in
all because i
was not beautiful.
but then from marie, i learned
what true beauty was
for the things that made her beautiful
were not her body
or her thin frame
or her long flawless hair
what made marie beautiful
were the long night conversations
her intellect
how much she did care.
the emotional tears cried over a love movie
what made her beautiful was her spirit
her friendship
and up until then
i envied women like her
i asked her once
"marie are you ashamed to walk around with me?"
she laughed, and put her arm around me and told me,
"you are more beautiful than you will ever realize"
and it was then, that i started to realize that we
we are all beautiful
not only because of this physical suit that we wear
but because of our spirit
that shines from with in us
we are beautiful because of our minds
or emotions
our love
our womanly features, so unique and precious
the way we think
the way we care
the way we nurture
that make us
who god has intended us to be,
women.
i am beautiful
and i learned what made marie beautiful
and so now
i look in the mirror
and i see myself,
flaws, weight to lose, frizzy hair,
i see my crooked teeth, my scars
my bitten finger nails
i look in the mirror and see my body
i look and see the dark circles under my eyes
from a late night
i see all of this,
and i smile
and i think to myself
damn.
i am beautiful.

and today when you look into that mirror
when it tempts to mock you
when you want to change
close your eyes
and know
that you are who god
created
so, what makes you beautiful?